You don’t have to own a Kate Spade purse, pair of shoes, necklace, or any other piece of opulence to feel the loss of this style icon and business pioneer. Her exit from this world hits home for many people because it is swathed in depression, tragedy, and unanswered questions. We ask the burning question, “Why?”, yet I believe Kate Spade’s death answers more questions about our culture and less about the woman spurring on the watercooler conversation.
So what does Kate Spade’s death
say about our culture?
1. We believe depression can only look one way.
One person who knew Spade said, “Did she looked depressed? No. She looked like an average person . . . She didn’t look like she had any problems.”
Newsflash: Depression is not a one-size-fits-all disease. It looks different in different people. Some people display the classic symptoms we envision: overwhelming sadness, sleeping too much, withdrawing, or feeling unmotivated. Yet, for many of the 16 million people who suffer from depression each year, symptoms might be less obvious and include anger or irritation, insecurity, and feeling a loss of identity or purpose.
2. We judge depression and the depressed.
Many people would not voice it, but the fact is we sometimes think (or even say):
- Why can’t you just get over it?
- This is such an inconvenience.
- Just do (fill in the blank) and you’ll feel better.
If we are honest with ourselves, we want a quick fix. Instant gratification. Yes, we want to lessen our loved one’s pain, but we also want our neat and tidy life back. Many of us don’t like talking about our emotions, we don’t like feeling overwhelmed, we don’t want to sit in our pain, and we refuse to face the demons from our past. Depression (either our own or someone else’s) forces us to do all of the above. When someone pushes us to do something we don’t want to do, we judge them—and their disease.
When I struggled with post-partum depression I remember fearing the worst (or my version of the worst): that people would think I was weak. I was used to playing the role of superwoman, spinning multiple plates without dropping even one . . . until they all came crashing to the ground.
I eventually heard God whisper, “Elizabeth, there is no shame in being depressed. The shame is in knowing there is help but refusing to take it.” I knew my depression was affecting my family, so I humbly sought help from my doctor (all the praise hands for happy pills!!!) and a counselor. The fog slowly lifted and the tears became less and less. Slowly I let other women in on my “dirty little secret” and realized they had suffered in silence too, all because we were more concerned about maintaining our Pinterest-perfect images rather than getting the help we needed.
Even Spade’s sister, Rita Saffo, reported that Spade “suffered from years of debilitating depression and refused to get medical help, fearing how that’d look for her ‘happy-go-lucky’ image.”
If you are suffering, I urge you to reject the lie that your life has to look like an endless stream of perky Instagram posts. Tell one trusted person what you are feeling; one person can start you on the road to freedom.
3. We look to fame, wealth, and status to free us from depression.
Yet, true freedom is only found in Jesus.
Please hear me on this: I am NOT saying we should just pray our depression away. Can prayer heal depression? Sure. But could there be more to the equation than this? Yes!
I believe in a holistic approach to treating depression: prayer, medication, counseling, and exercise to name a few components. However, we can’t stop there. We must acknowledge that our identity and self-worth does not come from other people, status, wealth, power, success, beauty, or any other high temporal bar we set for ourselves.
After being rejected by multiple dads/stepdads, I wrestled with the need to feel loved and accepted. I saw love as something you had to earn: be popular, smart, or athletic and people will adore you. Be mediocre and they’ll find someone else to love. I spent years running on a treadmill going nowhere trying to be included, to win affirmation, and to gain approval from others.
I finally realized that true love and freedom can only be experienced when we humbly accept that we are loved simply because God created us.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
– Psalm 139:13-16
We can never be good enough to make Him love us or bad enough to make Him stop loving us. Our identity is found in our relationship, not in our performance.
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If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you live in the Waco area and need to see a counselor, contact me and I’d be happy to make some recommendations. Do NOT suffer in silence.
